This was originally published on the 1st of April, 2016. Not a lot has changed!
As a trans and aroace dancer about to take the plunge into the Professional Dance World (whatever that is?), I am scared. Wherever I look – be it in trans, ace, or dance spaces, I never see myself, and, mostly, I see barriers. From the family friend that told me that dance was usually about sex, to the ballet teachers that make of point of having “ladies and men” dance in separate groups, to the baffled look I get when I tell a trans person that I can’t attend an event, I have dance class, to attending a trans open mic night to find every single act helpfully trigger warned “sexual content” (they might have well just marked the entire event that way and I wouldn’t have gone), to the million and one choreographies that explore the theme of (heteronormative) love, I occupy all three spaces imperfectly and thus, occupy a completely new region.
It’s really hard to believe there aren’t other trans aroace dancers. I am sure there are. There are definitely trans aroaces (who are quite solidly taking up the challenge of working through the complicated relationship between transness and sexuality), there must be ace dancers and trans dancers, and there must be at least one other person in the world that is all three. But I haven’t found them yet. So, for the moment, I’m not just scared, I’m alone.
Blogging on the internet always appears to be a bit like screaming into a void. I’m terrible at social media (I love seeing what other people say, but then I have to say something back? And how does one do that? Sometimes even liking a facebook post freaks me out because it brings attention to me). I’m not going to pretend to be good at this blogging thing or understand how it works, but I do have things to say and it’s well damn time I say it. It doesn’t matter if I’m screaming into a void, what matters is that I’m saying it. And maybe, I’ll be able to get something back out of the void – understanding of how I can tackle the terrifying future ahead of me, that other person Like Me, a new perspective…you know, important things.
So just…a new experiment. Because, as of now, the experiences of aroace trans dancers goes unknown and, maybe, in documenting my own experiences, that can bring the invisible space I currently occupy into view.